Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Mirth Hour

Im having a crap week and am mourning some close family members. This makes me quite cranky, and its bound to show somewhere. Like this blog. Believe it or not, my regular posts actually represent a restrained version of what I am actually thinking, with much less swearing. In everyday life I swear like a sailor with tourettes, just ask my children. I know this is terribly uncouth (unless you're turned on by pretty young women using the words "c*nt" "m*therf*cker" and "c*cksucker" as the second word in every sentence. I don't know, there may be some of you.) So please, I will try and reign back the worst of it, but every now and again I may need to unleash the cranky. You have been warned.

I really, REALLY dislike frickin' earth hour. (That doesn't count as swearing). The whole idea stinks. Not only is switching your lights off for an hour completely pointless and tokenistic, it encourages hippies to feel good about themselves, which should be avoided at all costs. Smug bastards. (OK. That was technically swearing, but its better than the word I was thinking.)

So in honour of Earth Hour, I plan to do a little bit of celebrating, Daily Suppository style, join me if you wish:

* Tyres. Burn them. I plan on having a backyard luau around a merry bonfire of Bob Jane All-Rounders. If I pull this one off right, you should be able to see my own little private ecological disaster from space. Call Red Adair and pass the matches, 'cause Mamma's making a barbeque tonight.

* Don't tell Mr. Paua, but I know all about his little private incandescent light bulb stash that he bought in a panic after the government planned to bring in those toxic mercury bombs that flicker in a visible range of hertz. Old school lightbulbs are just the ticket for building my very own redneck chandelier:



This puppy makes my electricity meter spin faster than an ecologically friendly front-load washing machine on a spin cycle.
Optional extras include a safety switch (if you're of a nervous disposition. Pussy. Whats a little house fire if it helps the cause?) Or red bulbs and a prominent position in a window facing the street, for that authentic "late night in the Reeperbahn" feel.

* If these little festive options don't appeal, you could always drive to your closest airport in an SUV and fly to an exotic destination very, very far away from where you live. (Or next door, just be sure to fly there the long way around.) Make sure when you get there you take a long hot bath and wrap everything you purchase in double layers of plastic bags, just to be safe. Then make sure you call some friends who are sitting in front of their Mac tweeting by candle-light, and tell them all about it. I recommend India and China, as this way you can support their carbon emitting economies by spending your money there and irritate annoying hippy friends with your profligate air travel and cool ethnic purchases.

* Or better yet, maximize your carbon output and take a holiday on a cruise ship, making sure to leave the lights on in keeping with conventional maritime law.

In your face, Al Gore!

3 comments:

  1. Wayne Job Broadford VictoriaMarch 24, 2010 at 4:20 AM

    In Minnasota [spelt that wrong] yankee land, a large incinerator that has had environmental problems in the past. Is now burning tyres and generating electricity.This now gives them green credits for apparently tyres are carbon neutral { latex comes from trees] Hard to figure this green crap. I have a factory with twenty horse power lights, on the 27th I think I'll leave them on all night, just to feel better. On another note I have a daughter and I would use soap in mouth, if that failed tabasco sauce.
    Wayne

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  2. My congenitally high tolerance for tabasco and bad language both come from my father, its fair to say both are his fault. He's unlikey to try to stop me, however if you tried soap I would probably say "Sh*t that tastes bad", the way my father did when my Grandmother tried it on him.
    Loving the tyre burning electricity factory, BTW!

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  3. Harry the HackerApril 4, 2010 at 7:47 PM

    They also burn tyres in the USA to make cement.

    Remember cement - that EVIL stuff we are told is causing the death of the planet. Here where I live its made using natural gas. The stuff we are told all the time is the electricity source of the future (when the waves and crap won't cut it).

    Seems like a great way to use up old tyres to me. No doubt some tree hugger will think differently.

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